Drowning in Denouement - Russian Novel Life

Will I get fat and be content to raise my children well? And what would be wrong with that? People do it every day. I think maybe it's the loss of some kind of sensibility, the blindness to life, the inability to taste and savour everything around you.

It's the SUV, McDonald's and Microsoft life---cardboard in your mouth and eyes. How can I live a life I didn't choose to live? How can I choose a life that sacrifices what I hold so dear? I believe the answer lies somewhere in between---perhaps a series of small tradeoffs towards a mundane, mediocre existence? Can they be reconciled? The desire and the loss?

My Matriarch Mae --- a eulogy for my grandmother

There is a woman I’ve had the great privilege to know during my so-far brief time here. Her name is Mae. She is my grandmother.

When I think about her now at her passing, there are many things I remember about her…from stories she told me, stories I’ve been told, experiences I shared with her, and impressions from old photographs.

Mae… the first girl in her town to wear a halter top and short shorts…those long, perfectly painted pink fingernails, and long, long legs (from which many of us have benefited.) I imagine her in her youth…beautiful from photos I’ve seen, a young mother sent on her way to hard times, but determined to make the best life she could for herself and her children. Sometimes it was really, really good.

Leaving Las Vegas

I'd been folded back on myself
folded up
wrapped
neatly in cellophane
like an old movie poster

but once I'm on the wall
gigantic and all unfurled
breathing for what
seems like the first time
I'm larger than life

L'idée

J'aime l'idée
de toi
quand...
je rêve
je me promène
dans le Jardin de Luxembourg
dans la pluie legère d'été
le brouillard

J'amie l'idée
de toi
comme un film
en noir et blanc
comme un Matisse
tout bleu

Je veux
que tu me touches
ou plutôt
l'idée
que tu me touches

Chartreuse

"I can't even explain me to me," I said.
And afterwards I thought,
"You might be someone I could love."
Could.

It's strange when a color takes on
the meaning of mountains---encircling me.
How I long for some circumference---
a border, a barrier, arms.

I know I'll look back to find you fading
row behind row into the whiteness.
I'll turn away though.
It hurts my eyes to look too long in that direction.

a lexicon of vice

procrastinate
drink
fornicate (I wish)
curse
irritate
ignore
confuse
I'll add more once I get there.
just give me a few minutes.
self-sabotage
mustn't forget that.